Tags

, , , ,

“I still don’t know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild”

Now most of you have me on facebook or follow me on twitter. So most of you will have noticed something quite unusual of late. I’m, well…I’m happy. There, I said it. In my last blog post, written a little over a month ago, I was feeling very uncertain about all aspects of my life, where I was going, which path I was going to take. And then a personal rejection that already feels insignificant pushed me down a path I was surprised to be taking. I applied for a job as an outdoor learning tutor. I went to Swanage in Dorset for an interview. I waited nervously for two weeks. And then I got the job.

Sorry, I think there needs to be a bit more fanfare to that. I GOT THE JOB! So in less than a week I will be moving to Swanage and in just over a week I will start my training. I’m going to be teaching children on school trips about the coast and all aspects of the outdoors. I’m going to face my fears of climbing and kayaking. I’m going to be the person I always wanted to be, and I know I can do that because I convinced some people to give me a job. Me, the girl who’s never got a job through competitive interview before, persuaded a company to give her the best job in the world. I still haven’t quite got over that. I probably never will.

Of course I worry. I worry that I won’t like it, that I won’t be very good at the job, that sharing a room will be horrible. That I’ll miss out on Glastonbury, although I think that’s just part of becoming a grown up.

And I think I kind of did that. I accidentally grew up, I took that maturity that people have always told me I have and I put it to good use. I took a risk and it paid off. I’m still taking a risk by having taken the job, but I’m trying to convince myself it’ll all be fine. And I’m not the only one doing so. But it isn’t just having taken a risk that makes me feel like I’ve grown up. I decided that after twenty one years of it that I’d had enough of being bullied and being put down. The internet shouldn’t be a place I don’t want to be, I shouldn’t be scared to post online simply because a few people feel the need to say horrible things. So I got rid of the anonymous question site, I blocked the people from twitter, I left the forum where I’d only ever really been treated as an outsider. And I took some control.

I think I feel more in control of my life and my “destiny'” than I ever have done before, although now I have no idea where I will be in five years time. Oh go on then Noah and the Whale:

It’s true though, I don’t. I know where I’ll be in three months time though, I’ll be working as an Outdoor Learning Tutor. In six? Returning from work to move home for a while, plan some travelling. Oh and in nine months? Travelling. A year? Well, I guess we’ll see. Taking the decision to go travelling, and I mean proper, gap yah travelling, is probably the most excited and wanted choice I have made ever. And I should be able to afford it too if everything goes to plan. The problem quite simply is: where do I go? There’s a whole lot of world out there, a whole lot of options. And I feel quite selfish for just wanting to travel, not necessarily to go and volunteer somewhere, although this may change. Even leaving Europe would be amazing to begin with.

And so to what I’m leaving behind. My student days, my old life. Friends I have made not so long ago. Someone I’ve only just started getting to know. But this is what social media is for, and whilst the world may be big, the UK is quite small. As for my student days and the temping and the poor decisions, well I’m not so sad to be leaving those. Memories travel with you, they don’t disappear so easily. Thankfully. And I’ve made some good ones over the past three, four, five years in this process of growing up.

I sometimes feel guilty for feeling happy, but in the dark times and the sad times this is all I craved. So the next task on this big long list of changes is to learn to chill out. But really guys, can you see that happening any time soon?

One more song. A very wise man with awful politics once said:

“Saddle up your horses now and keep your powder dry

Cos the truth is you won’t be here long,

Yeah soon you’re gonna die.

To the heart, to the heart, there’s no time for you to waste

You won’t find your precious answers now by staying in one place”

Too true.

Advertisements